Reflecting for the New Year

Photo by Adrienne Andersen on

Reflecting for the New Year

Do you ever feel like, “Why do I feel like I am getting no where and should I just give up on my dreams, what is this all for?”—I’ve been asking myself that question a lot in my mind lately, and most of the time, the answer is unclear. Other days, I’m really confident, and determined to make my future better.

I have been praying hard, and thinking about what I get out of my job, life, and what will my future hold.

I’m a full-time clerk typist II and was a phlebotomist for 15 years before this, and even though I’m always working (which is an absolute blessing in these times because of the struggle to find good paying jobs), it sometimes feels like I’m just kind of floating along daily and it is repetitive.

I know it sounds crazy, but even though I have a dependable, job that I am comfortable in and it is barely paying the bills (Thank God for bills being paid!), I still feel very stuck sometimes. Stuck in the sense that I have so many long-term goals—like being published in a magazine, having a successful ecommerce store, creating clothing, or creating a invention—that I sometimes become frustrated having to spend the majority of my energy and money on things that aren’t necessarily moving me towards those goals and still not having the resources or funds to follow my dreams. I’m sure most of us feels like that trying to balance their dreams, and making a living.

I’ve taken courses in so many different subjects and read many types of book, from health, to business, to food, to products, to weddings, to fashion editorials, so I think now is a good time to reevaluate what I take on from here forward in my life. I feel a bit like I’m back where I started years ago, when I was transitioning from a bad divorce to being an educated full time working mother and spouse, it was such a roller coasters ride and exciting time—I’m weighing the risks again, and wondering how I can pivot towards just living life on my own terms.

The voice asking me ‘what is it all for?’ has been buzzing around in my head for over a decade now, and has grown louder as time passes. It’s mainly what I think about in the shower, before bed, while I’m cooking—it’s clearly a message I’m supposed to be listening to, because I’m obviously not fulfilled any of it. I mean, what is the purpose of taking such a large leap, only to not even reach part of a goal in my life? What were all the trials and tribulations of the last decade and a half of my life for, if I was just going to take it this far, and stop?

Clearly, there is more for me beyond what I have done, including adding on debt that is hard to come out of to get where I want to be and clearly it’s time to figure out how to accomplish my goals. So cheers to a New Year!

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